Q I've known my best friend since school and we are now in our early 60s. She didn't have an easy childhood because her parents were quite cold and pushy. They always wanted her to be top of every subject at school and made their disappointment clear on the rare occasion when she wasn't. 

They were delighted when she became a partner in a law firm at a young age and she has been very successful, partly because she is so driven. She married late but never had children, largely because of the pressure for career advancement. However, her husband (who is older) has been ill for a number of years and I think her job is getting too much for her. I feel she would like to quit - and she could afford to retire - but she says she'd be letting down her late mum and dad because she is only 62. (Her parents both worked until their mid-70s although in lower-key roles.) 


She needs to put her own needs first before the stress kills her  

I'm worried about her health: she is overweight, has been complaining that she is always tired, even when she wakes up, and often has swollen ankles. How can I persuade her to put her own needs first before the stress kills her? We have been each other's rock through life and I would be lost without her.

A  It's so sad that your friend's pushy parents have had such an impact on her that she is still trying to please them even after their death. Perhaps they had similarly exacting parents themselves or grew up in poverty and were determined their daughter would have a different life. Their demands have even deprived her of children. It does sound as if your friend needs to stop working so hard. But her career has been so important to her, she may find it hard to step back at first. Her work will be tied to her self-esteem and she could also miss the structure and routine. She might need professional help as well as your support to finally ‘allow' herself to retire. She would benefit from seeing a counsellor who works psychodynamically (see bacp.co.uk). This approach looks at how our early years impact our present. Underneath her success, I'm sure, lie feelings of never being good enough.


Overeating often has its roots in emotional eating 

Her weight is also a part of this - overeating often has its roots in emotional distress. Counselling would help her to unpick her own needs from the perceived wishes of her parents. It is also important that her GP investigates medical conditions such as sleep apnoea.

It won't be easy persuading her to help herself, but remind her that if anything happens to her, she will not be able to look after her husband. Manipulative as it sounds, you can also use her desire to please others as leverage: tell her that you really don't want to see her work herself into an early grave as you'd be lost without her.


 


How should I handle her frosty manner?

Q I am married to a man who was widowed three years ago. We have been together for six months. He clearly adored his late wife and I don't have a problem with that. I'm not the jealous type and accept that he can love me even if he still loves her. His adult children, who have big hearts like their father, have been accepting too and we get on well. 

However, the problem is a couple who are some of my husband's closest friends. The woman had been his wife's best friend - they'd known each other since school. She is very polite to me but I get the feeling that she doesn't like me and I find it awkward being in her company. Should I just opt out and ask him to see them on his own or keep trying?

A It is not perhaps that your husband's friend doesn't like you, but more the case that she is still grieving. She will be desperately missing her best friend and, unlike your partner, does not have the excitement and joy of a new relationship to offset the heartache. 

You sound wonderful and caring so  I am sure that this will work out with a little more time. It's early days. I expect that you and she might have avoided the topic of her friend. So the next time you are alone together, Glucoslim Gums gently tell her that you appreciate how nice she has been to you (a slight white lie) but acknowledge that it must be hard because of her loss. Invite her to open up about her friend and say that you don't mind hearing how lovely she was. Hopefully, she will welcome the opportunity to talk - and she would have to have a heart of stone not to be disarmed by such generosity on your part.


 


If you have a problem, write to Caroline West-Meads at YOU, 9 Derry Street, London W8 5HY,  or email c.west-meads@mailonsunday.co.uk. You can follow Caroline on X/Twitter @Ask_Caroline_

Caroline reads all your letters but regrets she cannot answer each one personally.